Today I smiled as I saw things on the street that reminded me of my own life, my life is a cob-web of interrelated events that is too irritating to give an account of. It has literally taken me 22 years and a handful of threats from life to be able to sit back and look at things from the outside. But I still do not have a written as to why I bask in the struggle of going from knowing that I am adequate to believing it is actually enough to drive the whole world insane….. Several thoughts have occupied my mind, and I generally don’t have solutions to many of them. I just thought to share them out, and write them down. I try to write to make peace with the things I cannot connect in real life…
And then make a mockery of all the ones I can…. :-)
Indeed life can drag us into the vengeance of reality at a timeless speed that we cannot control, leaving us powerless as we look into the eyes of our destiny and fate. The realization of this hence, is the few moments which allow us to make any amends and carry on with our livelihood. Difficult as it may seem, there is indeed a task each one of us is made to fulfill in our time, it’s the discovery and embracing of the above that might offer the challenge. It’s a long route to Damascus when you accept that you have to travel there on a donkey, life does not always offer SUVs and Chevy’s at every juncture possible. We must see ourselves through to point B at whatever cost given the broad spectrum of expectations that society has already composed. How then do we fit ourselves into this achievement scorecard ever so easily without awakening the demons of anger/hatred/jealousy etc? The answer is never. And the reason remains forever silent.
Who gives credit to the people that follow their own dreams rather than the ones marked out for them? Who loves deeply when they haven’t ever experienced love before? Who speaks truth when they have only known tongue lashing and disrespect? Who overcomes their challenges and comes out a victor? Answer me this and I will tell you who you are. I will declare at this point that there is never any question in our time that is answered incorrectly as each one of us sees life and its components in a totally different light than the next person, this allows for diversity (and sometimes name calling). It is also possibly the meaning of taking in oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide (and vice versa for the plants reading this) Being alive is so much more than eating life with a big spoon, it is also the correspondence between what already was, what is now and what might come ahead of us and beyond our time. It might also be the attaining of self actualization, the discovering and developing of potential, or it can be getting the notification that you are now a Russian spy in the US of A. whatever tickles.
With a speed limit installed in our lives, we can only afford so much time in our discovery process. Such that beyond our time and age, what difference will we individually be acclaimed for? In due time will we be able to accept responsibility for our shortcomings? Those that might have slid and those that have cost other people one thing or the other? I do not know personally of any formula to the conquest of life, that is not my aim in writing this, but barely to get a medium point on what different people’s takes on life might be.
I am who I am, I accept the things that make me happy and I reject the ones that contradict my upbringing. I love to interact with people; I love to laugh and to cry. I accept that I may never be able to give a title and a limit to what I can do on this earth because there are just 7 days in a week and 365 days in a year. I do the best I can and I make no apologies for the torch I carry. I have sleepless nights and awkward days because I’m too busy tweeting and as I have recently discovered – micro blogging is the next best thing after listening to George W. Bush’s speeches. I listen to music with no words and still manage to sing along, I cook well and nobody ever manages to try it because I love my own cooking too much to leave any stone un-turned, I sometimes respond to friend requests from “people you may not know” just so I can laugh at their middle names….I don’t know…as much as we think we know ourselves through and through, in the long run the question still remains unanswered : who am I? What does it mean to be alive? And in the vast infinity of time, how do I matter?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
LETS GET THIS STRAIGHT! HAHA (fun experiment)
Reality has taken a leap back in our lives, giving way to the age of illusions and comfort in things that might never be. Times have really changed as well, the digital age seeming more and more prevalent than ever in our society. Soon one will just have to click on a link on Google and automatically, your hunger/thirst will be satisfied. Change is good. Being the one constant thing in our lives, I guess it deserves credit in its own way.
The only the problem I might have with change is that it does not remember humble beginnings, comparable only to a poor man who is suddenly rich. It electrifies the existence of all its bearers and leaves no room for a sit-back-and-take-it-in session. Change carries a promise against previous misery, that is why we embrace it so readily. With social media being an ambassador of all the above fruits, it has become almost impossible for the human race to appreciate the value of face to face interactions, it is all written on our “facebook” page or wherever. We take in so much information online and run with it without even consulting our intelligence at the first instance.
Having a public diary is a smart idea, me being guilty of the above and under pressure to comply with current trends, but losing ourselves in a virtual world isn’t very smart. How fast have we lost touch with phone calls and text messaging each other? Rather, we make all our plans on the internet and it is partly an excuse to stalk the people that occupy our lives in fiction or in real life, a chance to prove to the world that we are way better than they would perceive us in the real world. While for some it is a chance to put up valuable truthful views that might actually acquire a following due to shared sentiments.
I will not discredit any use of the social networks trending, as it is I am the most frequent flyer with them, I just fear that we have given it just a bit too much credit and hence it is slowly destroying our perception of more important things. Like the truth perhaps. I will give a good story by the end of this excerpt. Remember when social media was more informative and factual while maintaining an entertainment front at that? Remember when some Haitian earthquake victims were traced using twitter and Facebook? And when Obama got millions of dollars through facebook campaigns? How about when Souljaboy was discovered on myspace.com? That used to be cool.
Anyone can do whatever they like with regard to their internet use, I just had to put it out there that we should really know why we do what we do on the WWW and be sure enough to hold your head high with no regrets when you are answerable to someone for it.
About the story I had mentioned earlier on, my good friend and I decided to put up a real good statement that we knew would send crowds from all around the globe in wild gossip. “in a relationship.” and the reviews were amazing, none whatsoever confirmed this personally to me instead it was obviously true that we are dating since it was said by Mark E. Zuckerberg’s invention. It was a nice experiment that brought us way over here to this conclusion As well as to our own personal conclusion and it was fun while it lasted. On that note, I am totally single. As I have been for the past three months.
Enjoy your experiences!!
Besos!
The only the problem I might have with change is that it does not remember humble beginnings, comparable only to a poor man who is suddenly rich. It electrifies the existence of all its bearers and leaves no room for a sit-back-and-take-it-in session. Change carries a promise against previous misery, that is why we embrace it so readily. With social media being an ambassador of all the above fruits, it has become almost impossible for the human race to appreciate the value of face to face interactions, it is all written on our “facebook” page or wherever. We take in so much information online and run with it without even consulting our intelligence at the first instance.
Having a public diary is a smart idea, me being guilty of the above and under pressure to comply with current trends, but losing ourselves in a virtual world isn’t very smart. How fast have we lost touch with phone calls and text messaging each other? Rather, we make all our plans on the internet and it is partly an excuse to stalk the people that occupy our lives in fiction or in real life, a chance to prove to the world that we are way better than they would perceive us in the real world. While for some it is a chance to put up valuable truthful views that might actually acquire a following due to shared sentiments.
I will not discredit any use of the social networks trending, as it is I am the most frequent flyer with them, I just fear that we have given it just a bit too much credit and hence it is slowly destroying our perception of more important things. Like the truth perhaps. I will give a good story by the end of this excerpt. Remember when social media was more informative and factual while maintaining an entertainment front at that? Remember when some Haitian earthquake victims were traced using twitter and Facebook? And when Obama got millions of dollars through facebook campaigns? How about when Souljaboy was discovered on myspace.com? That used to be cool.
Anyone can do whatever they like with regard to their internet use, I just had to put it out there that we should really know why we do what we do on the WWW and be sure enough to hold your head high with no regrets when you are answerable to someone for it.
About the story I had mentioned earlier on, my good friend and I decided to put up a real good statement that we knew would send crowds from all around the globe in wild gossip. “in a relationship.” and the reviews were amazing, none whatsoever confirmed this personally to me instead it was obviously true that we are dating since it was said by Mark E. Zuckerberg’s invention. It was a nice experiment that brought us way over here to this conclusion As well as to our own personal conclusion and it was fun while it lasted. On that note, I am totally single. As I have been for the past three months.
Enjoy your experiences!!
Besos!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Fear of the known/unknown??
Blame, I am tired of taking it. I think have accepted blamed for everything in my life since I was born. I have had to make excuses for my existence, to have to prove to myself and to the world that I am worth being here. This, so that anyone can take me seriously and listen to me. My earliest memory is of me trying so hard to fit into a family that had been together for at least twenty years upon my unwelcomed arrival. They say it has made me grow a wall along my inside that doesn’t allow anybody to break into. For a long time I did not care how anyone hurt me or treated me, because I knew nothing else of how I should be treated. I kept everything to myself and only discussed what needed to be discussed; I sat back and envied what I did not have. I always thought I was ok but something was burning me up inside and I was too scared to recognize it even though sometimes what you fear is what u need.
Most of what I know about the world I have had to teach myself or find out the hard way, ways which will never be reversible now that I think about it. I had to grow up and become an adult ten years ago (I am 22) when I could easily have been allowed to be the child that I was. I am now left trying to rescue a childhood I never had and a deep torment that has no start or finish line to its existence, never knowing where or when to begin. Or what the problem really is.
The demons of anger and bitterness haunt my well being, it is debatable that it may be genetic, but the problem at hand is that the curse needs to be broken. For any effective changes and a recognizable difference to be achieved, I have had to fend for the well of happiness, the source of the river, the divine core of my well being, which might be what I love or who I love, in order to deviate from a life long of inexplicable sadness.
I am mostly a happy person, who has learned to live with the pain of being brought up in a confused world; I do not know where I fit in and nothing belongs to me. The only thing I have and the only thing I know is how to (or at least try to) be a good writer, a good artist, a good cook, a good designer, a good analyst, a good dancer, a good French speaker, and I will go on to compliment myself because you know what? No one else does and I don’t expect anybody to. I need to keep reminding myself these things because they are the only things I am sure of in my life. That nobody can take any of these things away from me no matter how much they have already made me feel bad about my existence.
Some of the natural instincts I seek and yearn to feel the warmth of are: love, total understanding, patience, and honesty. Because I can say for a fact that as someone else is trying to discover more about me, I am also discovering more about myself. I am one of those that do not come with a manual or a preface. It’s hard enough accepting any of these things but getting over them and taking the leap of faith forward is taxing more than taking up the challenge of planting grass on the circumference of the earth.
Operation = road to self discovery. Part one!
Most of what I know about the world I have had to teach myself or find out the hard way, ways which will never be reversible now that I think about it. I had to grow up and become an adult ten years ago (I am 22) when I could easily have been allowed to be the child that I was. I am now left trying to rescue a childhood I never had and a deep torment that has no start or finish line to its existence, never knowing where or when to begin. Or what the problem really is.
The demons of anger and bitterness haunt my well being, it is debatable that it may be genetic, but the problem at hand is that the curse needs to be broken. For any effective changes and a recognizable difference to be achieved, I have had to fend for the well of happiness, the source of the river, the divine core of my well being, which might be what I love or who I love, in order to deviate from a life long of inexplicable sadness.
I am mostly a happy person, who has learned to live with the pain of being brought up in a confused world; I do not know where I fit in and nothing belongs to me. The only thing I have and the only thing I know is how to (or at least try to) be a good writer, a good artist, a good cook, a good designer, a good analyst, a good dancer, a good French speaker, and I will go on to compliment myself because you know what? No one else does and I don’t expect anybody to. I need to keep reminding myself these things because they are the only things I am sure of in my life. That nobody can take any of these things away from me no matter how much they have already made me feel bad about my existence.
Some of the natural instincts I seek and yearn to feel the warmth of are: love, total understanding, patience, and honesty. Because I can say for a fact that as someone else is trying to discover more about me, I am also discovering more about myself. I am one of those that do not come with a manual or a preface. It’s hard enough accepting any of these things but getting over them and taking the leap of faith forward is taxing more than taking up the challenge of planting grass on the circumference of the earth.
Operation = road to self discovery. Part one!
WHO THE HELL IS FINDING NEMO? FIND ME INSTEAD
I have a lot of explaining to do to myself, why on earth have I allowed myself to be possessed with mediocrity, whereby it is too difficult for me to decipher the lightly coded message before me? Long drags describe my days and my general being, a certain mental handicap or more of a brain lock have held me captive in my own body. Running. That is the main verb I can spell backwards, forwards and sideways because of being accustomed to it and almost turning it into a noun that will soon be my middle name. Nothing seems to be working out as I had planned it and I am scared that the outcome of my years of sweat will soon be a dark and endless pit of sadness with ravenous vultures waiting to devour every inch of me.
I am holding back from the ones that I love and the ones that love me, I am a nervous wreck and a volcano waiting to happen, dormant for now. How much more can I possibly take? Questions and puzzles that for years have been answered and repeated in the game of life to me seem like a core kind of mathematics with no answer booklet. In my pockets I see nothing but dust, burdens and mistakes that I carry with me everyday, some forever and some reversible. Happiness is like a mirage, reaching the optimum of the latter is only a one time experiment that if goes bad, crumbles at my feet and is washed away by a river of tears.
What next? And where am I going anyway with this path chosen by many? Bound by surrounding walls I feel like a genie trapped in a bottle waiting for a nudge, so that I can crawl, and learn to walk all over again, and one day spread my wings and fly, eventually reaching my final destination, self actualization. Seeking and yearning are the new words in my vocabulary locket that I will hold on dearly to, never giving up on the little I have built thus far. Forever looking on and awaiting dusk where I know that the sun will shine again for the rain has shifted pace from my direction and settled on a much calmer horizon.
I am holding back from the ones that I love and the ones that love me, I am a nervous wreck and a volcano waiting to happen, dormant for now. How much more can I possibly take? Questions and puzzles that for years have been answered and repeated in the game of life to me seem like a core kind of mathematics with no answer booklet. In my pockets I see nothing but dust, burdens and mistakes that I carry with me everyday, some forever and some reversible. Happiness is like a mirage, reaching the optimum of the latter is only a one time experiment that if goes bad, crumbles at my feet and is washed away by a river of tears.
What next? And where am I going anyway with this path chosen by many? Bound by surrounding walls I feel like a genie trapped in a bottle waiting for a nudge, so that I can crawl, and learn to walk all over again, and one day spread my wings and fly, eventually reaching my final destination, self actualization. Seeking and yearning are the new words in my vocabulary locket that I will hold on dearly to, never giving up on the little I have built thus far. Forever looking on and awaiting dusk where I know that the sun will shine again for the rain has shifted pace from my direction and settled on a much calmer horizon.
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