I have a lot of explaining to do to myself, why on earth have I allowed myself to be possessed with mediocrity, whereby it is too difficult for me to decipher the lightly coded message before me? Long drags describe my days and my general being, a certain mental handicap or more of a brain lock have held me captive in my own body. Running. That is the main verb I can spell backwards, forwards and sideways because of being accustomed to it and almost turning it into a noun that will soon be my middle name. Nothing seems to be working out as I had planned it and I am scared that the outcome of my years of sweat will soon be a dark and endless pit of sadness with ravenous vultures waiting to devour every inch of me.
I am holding back from the ones that I love and the ones that love me, I am a nervous wreck and a volcano waiting to happen, dormant for now. How much more can I possibly take? Questions and puzzles that for years have been answered and repeated in the game of life to me seem like a core kind of mathematics with no answer booklet. In my pockets I see nothing but dust, burdens and mistakes that I carry with me everyday, some forever and some reversible. Happiness is like a mirage, reaching the optimum of the latter is only a one time experiment that if goes bad, crumbles at my feet and is washed away by a river of tears.
What next? And where am I going anyway with this path chosen by many? Bound by surrounding walls I feel like a genie trapped in a bottle waiting for a nudge, so that I can crawl, and learn to walk all over again, and one day spread my wings and fly, eventually reaching my final destination, self actualization. Seeking and yearning are the new words in my vocabulary locket that I will hold on dearly to, never giving up on the little I have built thus far. Forever looking on and awaiting dusk where I know that the sun will shine again for the rain has shifted pace from my direction and settled on a much calmer horizon.
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