Fear of the known/unknown??

Blame, I am tired of taking it. I think have accepted blamed for everything in my life since I was born. I have had to make excuses for my existence, to have to prove to myself and to the world that I am worth being here. This, so that anyone can take me seriously and listen to me. My earliest memory is of me trying so hard to fit into a family that had been together for at least twenty years upon my unwelcomed arrival. They say it has made me grow a wall along my inside that doesn’t allow anybody to break into. For a long time I did not care how anyone hurt me or treated me, because I knew nothing else of how I should be treated. I kept everything to myself and only discussed what needed to be discussed; I sat back and envied what I did not have. I always thought I was ok but something was burning me up inside and I was too scared to recognize it even though sometimes what you fear is what u need.
Most of what I know about the world I have had to teach myself or find out the hard way, ways which will never be reversible now that I think about it. I had to grow up and become an adult ten years ago (I am 22) when I could easily have been allowed to be the child that I was. I am now left trying to rescue a childhood I never had and a deep torment that has no start or finish line to its existence, never knowing where or when to begin. Or what the problem really is.
The demons of anger and bitterness haunt my well being, it is debatable that it may be genetic, but the problem at hand is that the curse needs to be broken. For any effective changes and a recognizable difference to be achieved, I have had to fend for the well of happiness, the source of the river, the divine core of my well being, which might be what I love or who I love, in order to deviate from a life long of inexplicable sadness.
I am mostly a happy person, who has learned to live with the pain of being brought up in a confused world; I do not know where I fit in and nothing belongs to me. The only thing I have and the only thing I know is how to (or at least try to) be a good writer, a good artist, a good cook, a good designer, a good analyst, a good dancer, a good French speaker, and I will go on to compliment myself because you know what? No one else does and I don’t expect anybody to. I need to keep reminding myself these things because they are the only things I am sure of in my life. That nobody can take any of these things away from me no matter how much they have already made me feel bad about my existence.
Some of the natural instincts I seek and yearn to feel the warmth of are: love, total understanding, patience, and honesty. Because I can say for a fact that as someone else is trying to discover more about me, I am also discovering more about myself. I am one of those that do not come with a manual or a preface. It’s hard enough accepting any of these things but getting over them and taking the leap of faith forward is taxing more than taking up the challenge of planting grass on the circumference of the earth.
Operation = road to self discovery. Part one!