Fear of the known/unknown??

Blame, I am tired of taking it. I think have accepted blamed for everything in my life since I was born. I have had to make excuses for my existence, to have to prove to myself and to the world that I am worth being here. This, so that anyone can take me seriously and listen to me. My earliest memory is of me trying so hard to fit into a family that had been together for at least twenty years upon my unwelcomed arrival. They say it has made me grow a wall along my inside that doesn’t allow anybody to break into. For a long time I did not care how anyone hurt me or treated me, because I knew nothing else of how I should be treated. I kept everything to myself and only discussed what needed to be discussed; I sat back and envied what I did not have. I always thought I was ok but something was burning me up inside and I was too scared to recognize it even though sometimes what you fear is what u need.
Most of what I know about the world I have had to teach myself or find out the hard way, ways which will never be reversible now that I think about it. I had to grow up and become an adult ten years ago (I am 22) when I could easily have been allowed to be the child that I was. I am now left trying to rescue a childhood I never had and a deep torment that has no start or finish line to its existence, never knowing where or when to begin. Or what the problem really is.
The demons of anger and bitterness haunt my well being, it is debatable that it may be genetic, but the problem at hand is that the curse needs to be broken. For any effective changes and a recognizable difference to be achieved, I have had to fend for the well of happiness, the source of the river, the divine core of my well being, which might be what I love or who I love, in order to deviate from a life long of inexplicable sadness.
I am mostly a happy person, who has learned to live with the pain of being brought up in a confused world; I do not know where I fit in and nothing belongs to me. The only thing I have and the only thing I know is how to (or at least try to) be a good writer, a good artist, a good cook, a good designer, a good analyst, a good dancer, a good French speaker, and I will go on to compliment myself because you know what? No one else does and I don’t expect anybody to. I need to keep reminding myself these things because they are the only things I am sure of in my life. That nobody can take any of these things away from me no matter how much they have already made me feel bad about my existence.
Some of the natural instincts I seek and yearn to feel the warmth of are: love, total understanding, patience, and honesty. Because I can say for a fact that as someone else is trying to discover more about me, I am also discovering more about myself. I am one of those that do not come with a manual or a preface. It’s hard enough accepting any of these things but getting over them and taking the leap of faith forward is taxing more than taking up the challenge of planting grass on the circumference of the earth.
Operation = road to self discovery. Part one!

WHO THE HELL IS FINDING NEMO? FIND ME INSTEAD

I have a lot of explaining to do to myself, why on earth have I allowed myself to be possessed with mediocrity, whereby it is too difficult for me to decipher the lightly coded message before me? Long drags describe my days and my general being, a certain mental handicap or more of a brain lock have held me captive in my own body. Running. That is the main verb I can spell backwards, forwards and sideways because of being accustomed to it and almost turning it into a noun that will soon be my middle name. Nothing seems to be working out as I had planned it and I am scared that the outcome of my years of sweat will soon be a dark and endless pit of sadness with ravenous vultures waiting to devour every inch of me.
I am holding back from the ones that I love and the ones that love me, I am a nervous wreck and a volcano waiting to happen, dormant for now. How much more can I possibly take? Questions and puzzles that for years have been answered and repeated in the game of life to me seem like a core kind of mathematics with no answer booklet. In my pockets I see nothing but dust, burdens and mistakes that I carry with me everyday, some forever and some reversible. Happiness is like a mirage, reaching the optimum of the latter is only a one time experiment that if goes bad, crumbles at my feet and is washed away by a river of tears.
What next? And where am I going anyway with this path chosen by many? Bound by surrounding walls I feel like a genie trapped in a bottle waiting for a nudge, so that I can crawl, and learn to walk all over again, and one day spread my wings and fly, eventually reaching my final destination, self actualization. Seeking and yearning are the new words in my vocabulary locket that I will hold on dearly to, never giving up on the little I have built thus far. Forever looking on and awaiting dusk where I know that the sun will shine again for the rain has shifted pace from my direction and settled on a much calmer horizon.